Roast My Creative Writing

Here is my constructive feedback on your creative writing piece:

Overall Impressions

• Engaging opening that draws the reader in with a mysterious, spooky tone
• Creates an effective atmosphere of foreboding and suspense
• Story concept of kids exploring a haunted house is familiar but well-executed here

Writing Style & Voice

• Writing style is straightforward and easy to read
• Descriptive language is used well to paint a vivid picture and set the mood
• Tone is appropriately dark and ominous, building tension and dread

Characters & Plot

• Tommy is a relatable protagonist - a skeptical kid daring to enter a scary place
• Other characters (friends) are only mentioned briefly, more development could help
• Plot is simple but engaging - building up to a single scary encounter
• Ending is abrupt but impactful, cementing it as a formative experience for Tommy

Structure & Pacing

• Story flows smoothly from setup to spooky exploration to frightening climax
• Pacing is brisk, wasting no time getting to the action while still setting the scene
• The single scene structure works for a short spooky story but feels slightly incomplete

Strengths

• Strong opening paragraph that sets an intriguing stage with vivid descriptions
• Effective use of sensory details (sights, sounds, smells) to immerse the reader
• Suspenseful buildup to the appearance of the ghostly figure is well done
• Haunting final line leaves the reader with a memorable chill

Areas for Improvement

• Tommy's friends could use more character development and involvement in the scene
• The climactic scare ends almost as soon as it begins - drawing it out could heighten tension
• Some cliched phrasing like "eternal slumber" and "his heart pounding" could be freshened up
• Ending feels slightly rushed and abrupt - could use a little more denouement or reflection

Suggestions

• Add more sensory details during the scary encounter to amplify the fear factor
• Develop Tommy's friends into distinct characters we care about to raise the stakes
  
• Expand on Tommy's thoughts and feelings more in the aftermath to give weight to the experience
• Consider adding one more plot beat, obstacle or misdirect before the final scare
• Trim a bit of the "telling" narration in favor of more active details that "show" the scene

Overall, this is an enjoyable and spooky short story with a lot of potential. With some polishing and development, especially of the climax and ending, it could be an even more potent tale of terror. The atmospheric setup and descriptive writing serve the piece well and the familiar but frightening scenario is executed with skill. With a few tweaks, this could be a scary story readers remember long after the final line.